Behind blue eyes
by slyvir
Summary: Why Konoha's people cannot see behind his blue eyes? Why all they can see it's just his easy going mask? And why this blindness doesn't change as years went by?


**Behind blue eyes**

_No one knows what it's like _

_to be the bad man _

_to be the sad man _

_behind blue eyes. _

The winds of dust on my face and the sounds of the battle reminding me that I have to fight for the village, that that's my duty as shinobi of the leaf. I look for the last time at my loved, hated, Konoha. No one in this village knows me, the man behind the blue eyes. Sure there're few people who can say they know me better than most, but they're so few and they really don't seems know me that well… Or they would have already seen the sadness that's consuming me at the knowledge that I'm going to become a bad man for the welfare of the place I've called home for so long. Knowing that is making me crumble inside, but nothing appears on my still reassuring face, for all of them are expecting me to end the battle single handed… And that's what I'm going to do...

_And no one knows what it's like _

_to be hated _

_to be fated _

_to telling only lies._

Lady Fate seems to really hate me, first she gave me the most wonderful news a man can hope for, a lovely wife pregnant with his, my, child, then she send him, me, to face certain dead in the upcoming battle… And that's not enough for Lady Fate, 'cause she's taking my wife's life for herself leaving me reassuring her that everything will be fine, that our son will be taken care of with love and that I won't follow her anytime soon… Lies… My wife's dying and all I could tell her are lies… Because the both of us are not strong enough to face the cruel truth… We won't see our child grow up and enter into the academy, we won't stay up waiting for him to come back from his first mission, we aren't going to be able to see him settle down and make a family… All that we can have are the empty lies that I'm telling.

_But my dreams _

_they aren't as empty _

_as my conscience seems to be. _

_I have hours only lonely _

_my love is vengeance _

_that's never free. _

Yet my dreams are still intact, sure they changed over the years but they were never empty not even now, unlike my conscience… My conscience that seems to be so empty, even to myself, as I'm telling those lies, as I'm facing the upcoming battle with the knowledge that I'll be the last man to fall today and that by falling I'm going to bring down and destroy an innocent's life… Seemly without remorse, for what's the sacrifice of a life in exchange of saving tons of other people? Even if the life you, me, are destroying is your own son's? And as I'm readying myself to do this I can feel my dreams change… I dream of see my son growing up happy, without hate for the bad, sad, man that choose to destroy his life in a couple of minutes… I dream for this to be all a nightmare and to wake up any moment now... But those are only dreams not meant to become true, so here I'm left with anger and vengeance swirling inside of me… Even if I'm somewhat grateful for the strong motivation that those emotions gave me to end everything soon, that doesn't change the bitter aftertaste I keep feeling, since not even now I can show them freely… For after all I'm the always happy guy with golden hair and smiling blue eyes…

_No one knows what it's like _

_to feel these feelings _

_like I do and I blame you! _

_No one bites back as hard _

_on their anger _

_none of my pain woe _

_can show through. _

No one knows how it feels to feel these feeling, for they don't have to… It's just me who has to be strong, who cannot be a man, who doesn't have the luxury of emotions, but has to act like a brave leader charging head down into a battle and win it… I'm chained to this role and it's all your fault Old Man, why did you do what you did? Why me? Why it's me who has to endure this? Why even if angry I'm the only one everyone expect to save the day? Why it's me who doesn't have the "privilege" of let his anger and frustration get the upper hand?

Why it's always my pain that cannot be shown on my face?

I don't see anyone else doing that, so why that is expected from me?

_But my dreams _

_they aren't as empty _

_as my conscience seems to be. _

_I have hours only lonely _

_my love is vengeance _

_that's never free. _

We're almost there now… I can already hear my dreams shattering in the deafening sounds of the battle… No matter how much naïve others thinks I am, I know my dreams won't came true, I know I won't survive, and that probably my son will be hated for my actions today… My son… this sweet little boy who's sleeping peacefully in my arms now, from tomorrow will face a cruel life that I'm sealing in him with my own hands… There's not much I can do to save you son, that's why in the lonely hours, when I tried to find another different way to end this battle, I had to make and leave in a secret place a sealed scroll with all my most precious possessions and knowledge… I just hope my son that you will be able to find it before the hatred of the people will broke you… No matter how much I know I don't have enough life in me to see my new dream to become true, I just want you to be strong and live your life as well as you can… Never forget that I love you son, my last wish is for you to be treated like the hero you really are… but I fear that won't happen anytime soon… I'm sorry to leave you to face all of that alone… I'll miss you my child… my Naruto…

_No one knows what it's like _

_to be mistreated _

_to be defeated _

_behind blue eyes. _

_And no one knows how to say _

_that they're sorry _

_and don't worry _

_I'm not telling lies. _

All my life… all my life I've been mistreated, treated like trash for something I didn't have control over… Each and every day of my life the villagers, and if I have to be honest most of the shinobis too, had hated me and made my life miserable… And I know I would have snapped under their treatment if it wasn't for my father's scroll… I've found it in a well hidden cave in Yondaime's left eye… It was the scroll that gave me the strength to get up every morning and do my best to become stronger, to not show the pain I was feeling… Even if that meant to hide behind cheerful smiles and sparkling blue eyes…  
And after eighteen years of mistreating and despite they all see me as the hero my father wanted me to be… Pity all of this is not real… not for me at least… Since their turnover happened the instant my father name became public knowledge… All those people who treated me like the most disgusting trash while growing up are now kissing and patting the earth I walk on, telling me how glad they are I'm here… How can I not worry that they are not lying if Konoha's habitants aren't even able to say that they're sorry about how they treated me while I was a kid?  
Just because my mask act stupid, naïve and trusting it doesn't mean I am like that too…

_But my dreams _

_they aren't as empty _

_as my conscience seems to be. _

_I have hours only lonely _

_my love is vengeance _

_that's never free. _

The words I read in the scroll made me see the likeness between my father and me… the two of us wear the same kind of mask and he did become Hokage… that's why becoming Hokage became my dream when I was young… And It's not an empty dream, I'm working hard for make it real, even if for doing so I think I've lost part of me… Too many things had happened to me and no matter how many time they try to apologize, I cannot change who I am now… what I have became… How my dreams changed… How I know I don't want to end like my father, having to decide what is better for the village no matter how much apply it is going to hurt me… I don't love Konoha that much… I cannot find what's so precious here to sacrifice everything I have for it… I know I've always said I don't go back on my word, but changing my dream doesn't mean I'm getting back on my word… I can protect my precious people better while being an anbu rather than being Hokage… Anyway I don't know how it happened but growing up I've lost my innocence and naïveté… But I fear I've lost something more… After every kill my conscience seemed a little emptier, a little less insistent in telling me I shouldn't have killed my enemy… And now that my conscience is silent all that I have left are lonely hours of existence till my next mission or the occasionally chat with the fur ball… After all an anbu position doesn't leave that much time to let you lead an active social life…

_No one knows what it's like _

_to be the bad man _

_to be the sad man _

_behind blue eyes..._

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, the man without a conscience, the sad man who knows he's not liked, or disliked, for his own merits but for something he never had control over… like who his father was, or who was sealed inside of him…

While I was child I wore a mask full of different emotions easy to read like an open book, and now it's an emotionless mask that has taken home on my face, even if most of the time it's covered by the porcelain one… Not that it matter… For no one in this village sees me… The man behind blue eyes…

First of all thanks for reading this till the end, I usually don't like reading songfic and even less write them, yet here I am… it simply didn't want to leave me alone and I ended up writing it all in the same night (something really strange for me I usually need lot of time to write a story as I want it to be) it must be Narutokun's influence since even if it was posted later it was written on his birthday... happy b-day kit .

While it can be considered complete as it is I'm still wondering if I should add other chapters (probably not written as songfic) or simply leave it as it is… If you didn't happen to read my profile I'll confirm here that English is my second language and that I don't have a beta… so there could be some errors no matter how careful I was trying to be…Reviews are always appreciated, flames are welcome too since they will keep me warm in those cold October's nights…


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